What happens when you lose your purpose?

For the last several years of my husband’s life, I had been his full time caregiver. When he died, I felt lost? My entire schedule revolved around him. My purpose had been to take the best care of him that I could. I took him to emergency rooms and doctors’ offices. I sat in waiting rooms. I learned how to fight bureaucracies. I navigated systes. Now that he aws gone, what was I supposed to do with myself? I pondered. I prayed. Nothing came. I felt as though there should be something big and important to replace what I had lost. But for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what that new mission was.

I knew I hadn’t taken very good care of myself for years. I was too busy carin gfor him. Maybe selfcare was the answer. I could finally put myself first. Except what exactly did that mean? How was I supposed to put that into practice? I wasn’t one for manicures or massages or soaking in a bathtub with a candle nearby.

It took about a year before I finally determined that losing the weight I’d put on was a form of self care and began to count calories and exercise almost every day. It wasn’t a noble purpose but it would have to do until I thought of something else.

After a year and a half, I had lost the weight I’d been trying to lose for decades. Did I feel better? Yes. Did I feel like that had actually been my purpose? No.

Four plus years after my husband passed away, I am still grappling with the idea of purpose. Maybe it has been just living my best life.